New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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