OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
