he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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