I looked at my own cervix.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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