he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
