This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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