i was born a porn star she said
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
