Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
