if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
