can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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