the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
