If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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