I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
