She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
