I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up under a house in Key West
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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