shes about as inviting as chlamydia
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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