Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
