i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
