Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
