K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
