He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
