My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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