Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
