Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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