I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
