you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
