just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
