I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
