when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
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I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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