this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Please don't give away my fajitas
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
