The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
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I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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