Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
