come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
