I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
