No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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