my soul wont recognize me after tonight
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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