Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
