just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
