Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
