Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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