There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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