My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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