So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
