Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My vagina is officially offended.
so much tequila, so little girl.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
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