I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle