hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Im part way to drunk.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
