What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
