Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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