That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
