im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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