Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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