As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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