You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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