Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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