I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
